Deep in my heart I ask myself

Love is like a blazer, when love is over, it will leave you a cut in your heart and let your soul to bleed. A week ago friend told me her unforgettable love story, which I think is another version of chinese 'Titanic', which is heart & breathtaking and also touching. Her name is Wah lu lu, mid 30s lady, slim body with sexy big lips cover with her one land hair style. It is a bit like old Japanese Samurai movie. This hair style is her trademark, one eye is hidden behind her hair and often caught a lot of attentions. Wah lu lu met ah Bean online, on 25th of March. Bean was a sloppy bloke around early 40s with salt and pepper receeding hair (no.1 crop), chunky hairy body with lumpy arse. It is quite a proportion balance body really and it is okay to look at the front but the back just like oil tank and shapeless.

Wah lu lu starts to set up a date to meet up with Bean. It was one Saturday morning, Lulu wearing his black leather jacket to impress and she rush to the station when Bang arrived. 'Hmmm... what a man...' Wah lu lu said to herself and express with smiling welcome face to Bean. Bean actually do not smile back but put his serious face as usual like killer.

As Wah lu lu take him to her room, it was a small room with a bed , a computer table and a wall cupboard. At this moment, Wah lu lu using her charm to seduce him, unbutton his checker shirt, slowly moving her hand to his chest. Bean doing the same and it makes Wah lu lu feel wanted, horny and juicy, she feel herself wet like a monsoon season. Wah lu lu could not wait any more longer and straight jump into her bed with him and start to play 'Crouching tiger and Hidden dragon' movies. Two heart was beating like a drum in the movie. First meeting and first intimacy, everything happen in this hot moment. It is the moment that they heat up themselves like frying egg in the oil pan. I guess Cupid angel must have chosen them and planning to set them up so quickly.

Bean and Lu lu progress like speed dating. Bean proposed to have relationship after a month meeting with Lu lu. He proposed more meeting during the weekday after finished work and also the weekend. Lu lu was kind of doubt and unsure if this is coming too quickly. She wanted to start it slowly and get to know Bean first. Bean did not give her a breath, wanted her to come to his life. Bean know Wah lu lu is such a hot bid in 'ebay', if he do not bid her now', someone will take her immediately.

Sometimes when things going too fast it is always having a drawback. They skip the 'friendship' stage and jump into 'relationship', which at the end does not work out. They start to going out together, eating together, watching telly and movies together, walking together and explore the city together. Wah lu lu show me her text from her mobile, all the intimacy text from Bean are still kept it.

wo ai lulu again (30/07) ...wo ai nee even even more (21/06) wo ai nee (18/06) ..thinking of you (16/06) ...xx plus xxx.etc...

Those text messages does not mean any sign of contract that could stable the relationship. One night they went out together, they went to the Elephant Graveyard. It is an old pub where many old peoples are waiting to die there. Wah lu lu is a light weight drinker, she cannot manage to drink a pint of beer or 2 glasses of wine. Wa lu lu got very drunk in the end, she know that she could not take it anymore and her stomach is feeling sick, she rush to the ladies and vomit it out. Tear in her eyes, half consciously staring at Bean, just like an pregnant women who are struggling giving a birth to a new child. Her face look pale, her visual feeling weak. Bean insist want to go back home by Taxi. Lulu stops him as she know Taxi charges will be expensive after midnight in London. They walk to the bus stop and catch the first bus and second bus home. Bean was hugging her like a pillow, it make Lulu feel more uncomfortable and breathless. Wa lulu ask him to release her as she feel want to vomit it again. When they arrived home, Wa lulu rush to toilet and having a throw out again, all those Chinese noodles and chicken fried rices that she eat today are wasted in the toilet bowl. Lulu flush the toilet and resting herself in Bean room. It was late, Lulu was tired....falling asleep unconsciously. Bean going down to surf the net again, Bean feel like without Internet online one day, his life could be shorten one day. This is how digital culture had dehumanized ourselves and our daily life.

Bean was sleeping on the crouch at living room. When Wah lulu come down, she notices that some windows pop up on the computer, oh....dear....Bean is into the sex chat room again. He try to hook up some bitch online. He want to know the opposite is top or bottom, how many style or options can they do.. like Kamasutra or Zen sex or even Yoga sex, bending all the way down to lick the toes. Wah lulu feeling a bit hurt as he is unfaithful to her. She gently wake Bean up to show him that someone are waiting to chat with him. Bean wake up with embrassed smile and switch off the computer and heading to up stair to continue his sleep.

Next day, they both have an issues, Wah lulu meet him in Camden Town, wanted to know what is the meaning of relationship to him. Bean starts to get angry as he feel ashamed of what he had been done and avoid to answer. Bean go to the cosy pub, have a pint of beer and proposed to break up with Lulu. The reason he gives is Lulu did not engaged much with his surrounding friends or family which do not fix into his policy. Wah lulu know the real reason behind, she keep quiet and left the pub. On the way to the underground station, Wah lulu start to know Bean is a 'Heartless Cruel Bastard'. In the other hand, she act like a tough girl condolence Bean not to feel upset about this. But Lulu heart is crying like waterfall, she never going to let Bean discover it. I guess this is how Taurus sign people handle things. Lulu know Bean make a mistake but still love him very much. She know how the relationship work, she has had a tough experience in the past. Lulu know the principle how to set him free if she still love him.

They agree a week not seeing each other, just to frozen themselves. Bean wanted to be friend, he need more time to cool things down and changing the status from boyfriend to friend. In a week time, Bean was enjoy himself out of the blue outside, poor Lulu still feeling sad at home. I don't understand why Lulu is so enjoy 'sadness and loneliness'. She could have going out and be a play girl like Bean. Be selfish and forget about things. But she did not want to as she still keep her faith. She know if one want to be a whore, it does not mean anyone else want to follow the same. 

A week later, Bean agree to meet her again. Lulu was proposing new 'open relationship policy' to him. Bean agree to give a go. From that moment, Lulu don't even dare to mention about the word of 'boyfriend' and 'relationship'. Two big words that could scare Bean off. A series of meetings start again between them two. A week is a genuine period to try out this new aspects of relationship. It is new experience as Bean thought he can still be himself as a playboy, online to look for sex while still having someone to love him. How convenient and a good deal of this 'love trade'. Miss Ching, another aussie friend of Bean come to visit London. Wah lulu and Ching became a good friend of as they have something in common to talk about .. "Man hunting". They going out a lot and share the experiences. She know the case of Wah Lulu getting drunk and Bean still kick her out from the house and enjoy himself in the sex club. Poor Lulu force to go back to her flat on her own in the drunk condition. She felts down from the staircase and hit her right eye. Miss Ching was concern about Lulu and raise the relationship issue again.

Ching asked: 'Lulu, why and what is your reason you love Bean'.

And she continue asked again: 'if you have some bad things happen, will Bean come immediately to see you'. Lulu remained quiet.

Ching mentioned she can only be a good friend of Bean. Lulu do not want to reply, as she agree with all the policies which Bean had set up. She just wonder how stupid she was to meet Bean in the soho bar without ringing him. It is not a respect thing to do to meet her boyfriend without 'making any appointment'. But Lulu only understand going to GP surgery need an appointment booking but do not understand to meet Bean also need an appointment. Worse situation is Bean meeting miss Kimono in the bar having a private chit chat. Bean want more personal space and be private. And Lulu just do not get it. Lulu know miss Kimono, she pointed out to Bean there is no reason of him getting angry without ringing. Bean used to ask Lulu to join them before in the bar and introduce Kimono to her. They are quite enjoy the conversation together a few months ago. And now that situation change and Bean change his policy too. From that moments, Lulu start to realize that Bean does not love her anymore. He give thousand of reason to make herself guilty. Bean is the winner and poor Lulu only a loser.

Lulu remember another x-girlfriend of him, Joey. Joey is a very feminine women, late 30s, she walk on the street like Japanese Geisha. Slow pace and carrying her big hand bag. Her appearances is full of surprise and character. Joey told Lulu that Bean can make up his own words to make you feel guilty. Yes, Bean is right, he even said himself in his profile that he is a cunt or a twat. He don't know how to love and he don't know what he want. He is not able to handle relationship as he can only hurt people feeling. Joey said that he only know how to take but not given. Joey said this guy got a serious problem, to love him need a lot of efforts and she wish Lulu good luck. Joey words was more accurate than you go to play tarot card. She is a fortune teller. She can predict the future, whoever with Bean cannot be maintain for a long period.And she is right. May be Bean love life had been cursed by someone. Wah Lulu manage to stay up the relationship with the maximum period of seven months. She thought open relationship can prolong forever, but still not the case. She is upset and she is furious about her own luck and hard life.

Bean mentioned to Lulu that he can only provide a crap relationship and shagging around while he is still with her. The reason he stay in the relationship because he do not want to upset Lulu. Bean just want to develop a friendship with Lulu, but to do so, it will take time. A guy with no respect to people are really hard to handle. At the end, Lulu has to give up as she already try it very hard to love him. At the end Lulu still keep her promise to set Bean free.

I say I love you, but you say you want to have freedom.

Why is freedom more important than love? Without love freedom is naked. Why can't love live with freedom? Why is love the prison for freedom? How many people live in this prison then?

After set him free, he feel happy again, his mood is like English weather. But on the hand, Lulu lock herself up from the outside world. Some love can be ugly. She know it is time to let him go. Her depression is coming back. She feel sad and pray to god for more sadness. She is unhappy and the winter weather make her unstable emotion even worse. She is thinking of dying. Yes, it is a way to settle from her pain and sadness. She choose to die in a beautiful way. She watch the movie of 'Yuan Lin Yi', She want to die like her. Cooking poison porridge and feed herself slowly. Let the poison slowly penetrate to her body and vein. She get a small bottle of sleeping pill, set up her alarm clock. In the middle of the night, when the night is still blue. Moon are still isolate from the clouds. Lulu  look out to the sky and get a bottle of wine, it was 'Roses', her favorite wine. She start her first glass of wine in her room. Slowly and continuously taking her pills like eating M&M chocolates. She knows she will release from her problems soon and sooner will start a new life again. She hated the feeling of struggle in UK so long and get nothing in the end. It is her poor destiny. Her last hope.....is to die.

Next day, policeman call me up after tracking her mobile phone. I was asked by police if i know this person, Lulu. And I get the shocking new that she had gone!....she left the world which treat her unfairly...she left with all the problem that she hate to face it anymore. She ended the last chapter of her life.

This was the last time I saw her in hospital, her face look incredible pale like curdled milk but still look sexy like she was alive before. Her body was cover by white sheet and ready to go for dead body department for experiment. I know Wah Lulu already for 8 years, but I never thought that this is her ending. For me, Wah Lulu is tough, hard working and easy going girls. She is very daring to love, and ready to give up everything just for her blind love. My tears was drop down slowly from my eyes...My heart was bouncing fast, I took a deep breath. And I said to Wah Lulu, now ...it is time for you to have a good rest, no one will come to trouble you anymore. Farewell, my good friend, you will live in my heart forever even through you had gone. May be one day, we still can meet in the heaven.....and sing our favourite song together....TEAR IN HEAVEN

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.  

I start to read again....Actually reading is not my hobby but sometime I love to stand in the book shop and just to flip over the magazine. I can't really bother to buy them, I prefer to live in a simple life....adding too much stuffs in my room are merely to adding burden on my shoulder. Recently, I accidently found one good book in the book shop. And I start reading the back cover of the book with lots of comments from fellow writers and newspapers. Yes, this is the one that i would love to read, I told myself.

The book title is 'The concise Chinese-English dictionary' and the author is Xiaolu Guo, a young bright Chinese female author from China who just started to write English novel. The story is simple, funny, wise and hilarious and it begin with a Chinese girl named 'Zhuang' or miss 'Z' come to study English language in UK. She pointed out her confusion on east and west cultures, make her own comment on many different views of open minded and civilized world of West Country. She questioned why peoples can get 'porn' magazine in any book shop in London, but hardly see them reading it in the cafe. And she is the one who enjoy reading the porn magazine inside the cafe . She questioned why people in the east country working hard to make a living but people in the west always planning for holiday and having a 'TEA BREAK'.

Most of the chapters cover the love story between she and her English man, a bachelor with deep socialist thinking and influences. He likes to collect the old things and prefer to live in village rather than London city. A man she could fall for his soul and die for. A man with a complicated background who had sex experience with men and women. A man who is doubt or wonder if another person can fix into his life after being single for so long. A year of study in UK, she learns a lot, stealing the language and the culture of the west. As time go by, her loves was getting deeper and deeper. The guy could not decide what he would like for his future life, he only live in present and not really planning to form a family in future. And at last, the relationship was fading away with Zhuang forcing to go back to China to fulfill her mission for her parents. The story was touching and beautiful. It is worth to buy and read it on your own.